1. Get four pigs.
1. Buy chocolate.
2. Buy flowers.
3. BARGAIN or INTIMIDATE to get these items cheaper.
4. Take a cab to the restaurant.
5. Sit at your table.
7. Try not to destroy everything you love.
8. Remember to tip your waitress.
Oh hi, I didn’t see you there. Come closer, friend. What’s that? You came here looking for Short Games for Lonely People? Yeah.. we used to do that before it was “cool”, so nice try. No, they’ve moved to shortgamesforlonelypeople.com, see. Go there instead. Sure, whatever.
No, I’m not mad at you. And don’t call me “bro”.
1. Stand in front of a mirror.
2. Lock eyes with whomever is looking back at you from the other side.
3. Remember that face.
4. Look away.
5. Look back.
6. Look away.
7. Look back.
8. Enter into a staring contest with the person on the other side.
9. If you flinch first, you lose the game.
1. Say my name
2. Say my name
3. Don’t act kinda shady
4. Keep callin’ me baby
5. Unless you’re…
runnin’ a game?
6. Lose, I guess.
1. Every time your heart is about to break, plant a seed.
2. Photograph your plants as they grow and shift colors.
3. Run the pictures through
photo manipulation software,
therapy, self-pity, or substance abuse.
4. Pick out the best pictures
and have them printed on tea leaves.
5. Tear the leaves up into very small pieces
and collect them all in tiny bags.
6. Visit old lovers (remember to bring the tiny bags).
7. Boil water, pour in cups, and add tea.
8. Put the cups next to your lovers’ beds.
9. Leave before they wake up.
10. Raise your STEALTH and FIRST AID skills.
1. Pick up a phone.
2. Take up acting.
3. Pick up a one night stand.
4. Take up space.
5. Hang out with yourself.
6. Hang up on me.
7. Evaluate your performance
in an orderly fashion
and score yourself
1. Picture all places in the world at the same time.
2. Imagine them all without you in them.
3. Imagine them all covered in sand or shadow.
4. Write a list of names of people you will never know and give it to someone you love.
5. Spend a lifetime not knowing yourself.
6. Learn how to play.
7. Level up.
1. Open up a new browser window.
2. Watch stand up comedy.
3. Laugh like you fucking mean it, asshole!
4. Listen to your laugh ring out in the empty apartment.
5. Repeat steps 3 and 4 until mortified.
6. Tell you computer: “No”.
7. Close the browser window.
8. Score yourself based on how fast your neighbors look away next time you meet.
1. Charge through the forest, past the big rocks.
2. NAVIGATE to make a left.
3. Float across the ocean, one leg after the other.
4. NAVIGATE to make a left.
5. Dig a tunnel through time, picking up memories as you go.
6. NAVIGATE to make a left.
5. Approach the old building from the west.
6. SNEAK to get to the door without getting noticed.
7. Wall hack your way into the apartment (it’s the only way in).
8. Go to the bedroom.
9. Throw yourself on the bed, piece by piece.
10. Stuff your head between two pillows.
11. Close your eyes and ears, but not your mouth.
12. Rest until fully healed.